Toby Maguire

Originally posted to TS in April 2001
Notes: I was daydreaming about what might've happened if Toby hadn't let Chris just walk away after the S4 breakup. Consider this a response to dargie's Movie Challenge. It's a play on the famous scene in "Jerry Maguire." Just silliness -- and badly written silliness, too -- so save your tomatoes! I'll deny I ever wrote it. ;->

TOBY MAGUIRE

Scene: S4, Toby's pod. Chris has finished packing and is heading out of the pod.


Chris: We're over. We're finished. We're done.

Chris walks out of the pod. Toby stands still for a moment. Then, suddenly, he turns around and follows Chris into the common room.

Toby: Wait. Wait! 

Chris stops, turns around, stares at Toby angrily.

Toby looks around the room. All the inmates are gaping, openmouthed.

Toby: Okay, okay. Okay. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. (He pauses for dramatic effect.) I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that?

Chris (eyes narrowing): Huh?

Toby: (begins pacing the room, muttering and gesturing dramatically): This used to be my specialty. You know, I was good in the courtroom! They'd send me in there, I'd do it alone...

Chris: Beecher, what the fuck are you talking about?

Toby: We live in a cynical world. A cynical world... 

Chris (rolling his eyes): Oh, shit. Here we go. Beech, I got things to do, man...

Toby: Oh, alright, dammit. I'll give you the condensed version. Hold on a sec... 

Toby fumbles through his pockets, pulling out bits of paper. He reads them, discards them, until he comes to the one he wants.

Toby: Yeah, here it is. (clears throat. Chris sighs impatiently.) Chris... I love you. 

Collective gasp from the inmates in the quad. Closeup on Tony Masters, who is starting to cry and fanning himself with his little scarf. Then closeup on Chris, who looks stunned.

Toby: You complete me.

Chris: Toby...

Toby: (tearfully) And if I just had...

Chris: (interrupting) Toby, shut up.

Toby: No, no, let me finish….

Chris: Shut the fuck up, Toby.

Toby: No, dammit, I've got to...

Chris: Jesus Christ, Beecher, you had me at hello! Alright? You had me at fucking 'hello'!

Chris storms up to Toby, pauses for a second, then yanks him into a rough kiss.

The gangsters nod their heads in approval. The Latinos whistle and clap. The bikers pound each other on the backs, and the gays join together in a group hug.

Toby: (pulling away slightly, looking a bit confused) Uh, Chris?

Chris: (grinning) What, baby?

Toby: I never said hello.

Chris: What?

Toby: You said I had you at 'hello.' I never said hello.

Chris: (shrugging) Whatever. (Chris pulls Toby toward his pod). C'mon, let's fuck.

Toby: No, wait, Chris. What did you mean? I never even said hello...

Chris and Toby walk off toward Toby's pod bickering.


(end)

*insert collective groan here*

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